i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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