I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
