: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
