the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
