if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
