How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Houston, we have a blender
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
pray to the hookup gods
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
