I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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