I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
