just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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