K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
