I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
