dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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