Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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