It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
