Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
