If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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