sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
