When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
