I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
