My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
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Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
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I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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