So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
