theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
