You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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