The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
