The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
