bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
