Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
