too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
