I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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