Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
