Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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