Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
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Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
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I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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