i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So vagazzling was a success
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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