FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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