Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
