Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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