I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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