I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
