did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
