I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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