Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
