he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
