Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The best revenge is premature balding
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
