You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
3 2 1 whiskey
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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