I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
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So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
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Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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