she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
