youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
