and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
