dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
29 People Who Do Dirty Things Just To Get Their Way
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.