Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
