You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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