I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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