Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
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I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
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My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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