I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
