just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
