She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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