I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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