I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
