Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
