remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
