Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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