My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Drunk is a universal language darling
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
