WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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